翻译练习：床伴是外国人，该怎样克服语言障碍？（二）

（接上文）

（接上文）

1. 灵活运用科技的力量

SELF的记者采访了克莱顿州立大学女性学讲师玛拉·蕾妮·斯图尔特，她同时也是Lovers（某成人用品商城）的性学顾问。她认为克服语言障碍的一个简单方法是使用翻译软件，我们只需将手机留在身边——iOS和Android上分别内置了苹果翻译和谷歌翻译软件。此外也可以下载第三方的翻译软件，例如SayHi（语音输入即可，它能自动将你说的话翻译成指定语言），此外谷歌Home或亚马逊Echo等智能家居设备也可以完成类似功能。（想象一下自己正在向你的翻译软件“Alexa”下命令：“Alexa，翻译成法语：脱掉你的衣服！” (✪ω✪) ）

比·格曼是专门服务于听力障碍人士的性治疗中心Jooux的创立者，同时也是美国性教育咨询与治疗协会（AASECT）认证的失聪者性指导专家。她在接受SELF采访时告诉记者，对于有听力障碍或失聪的对象，可以通过纸笔或手机的记事本App来交流。她同时指出，在与伴侣发生性关系前，我们可以尝试先发点暧昧短信，从中了解对方在房事时有哪些喜欢和不喜欢的事情，这样我们可以有所准备，实际发生关系时，过程也会变得更加顺利和愉悦。

2. 找到创造性的方法来达成性爱共识

所谓性爱共识，指的是双方在性行为时都明确地表达出希望对方怎样去做，而不是通过揣测，将不拒绝作为默许或赞同的信号——要知道在双方语言不通时，这是很难掌握好尺度的。

或许你们之间可以找到一些共通的词汇——即使只有“是”或“否”也行。正确地运用这些词汇，你们就可以完成一次灵魂相通、心意相契的性爱体验，这一夜的温存或许在此后数年间都会成为你的美好回忆。然而，你们之间也可能没有足够互通的词汇来确认对方是否得到了满足或性行为是否安全，那么你们就需要发挥创意了。

例如金赛研究所社会心理学家及Astroglide（一个人体润滑剂品牌）公司常任性学研究员贾斯汀·雷米勒博士说：“语言不通的两人在进行亲密行为时，非语言交流极为重要。比如当你不知道怎么说‘我们需要戴安全套’时，就干脆从包装盒里拿出一只，放在对方的手心里。”

这里需要注意的是，非语言交流（例如肢体动作）可能会因文化差异而产生歧义。玛拉·蕾妮·斯图尔特举例说，我们可能以为点头表示同意、摇头表示异议是国际通用的肢体语言，但并不是——例如在保加利亚，点头反而是“不”的意思。鉴于此，她建议遇到这种特殊情况时，性爱双方在上床前可以实现约定对于“是”和“否”的表达方法（可以通过此前提到的翻译软件来完成约定）。比·格曼则补充建议道，双方也可以约定一些词汇或信号——比如轻抚或按压对方手臂——来表达更多的重要意思，例如“继续”、“停下”、“好的”、“这样感觉舒服吗”等。当然，这些建议可能有些理想化，实行时或许不会那么顺利，但关键点在于你需要尝试去弄清楚怎样可以有效地表达自己的感受，让对方明白你正享受其中（或者有些兴味索然），声音、动作、眼神交流等方式都是可以的。

此外，我们也应该随时留意伴侣的面部表情、肢体动作和声音，以确保对方也在享受欢愉。雷米勒博士提醒我们需要注意到对方释放出的一些重要信号，比如他是否在抱紧你、寻求更亲密的身体接触，抑或是有所动摇或退缩。比·格曼则指出，如果发现对方似乎没有全身心投入，则应该暂时停下来，确认是否应该变换一下形式。

性爱中我们可能会有一些界限或禁忌——例如某些部位不想被触摸，或者不喜欢某些动作或方式。有些界限我们希望能够清晰地传递给对方，却又可能出于某些原因不愿意去谈论，此时非语言交流就显得非常重要。当然，如果你愿意去讨论这些界限和禁忌，最好的方法恐怕仍是用纸笔或翻译软件——这种办法或许不够浪漫性感，或者在某些情形下不适用，但它大概是最清晰、也最令人安心的方法了。

（未完待续）

（以下是原文）

How to Overcome a Language Barrier in Bed

“Communicate, communicate, communicate.” We’ve all heard sex experts stress the importance of speaking up in bed with a new partner, and for great reasons: Conversations are often necessary to determine whether everyone is enthusiastically consenting, which safer sex precautions need to be taken, and what each person’s likes and dislikes are, to name a few.

Except, how exactly are you supposed to get in sync sexually when you and the hot human you’re sleeping with don’t speak the same language? Last year, a cute guy on Bumble offered to join me in my neighborhood for a walk - and possibly more. He was a student who’d come to the U.S. from Belarus. His English wasn’t great, and neither was my Russian. But we managed to carry on a conversation - until we got back to my apartment. When I asked him to cuddle, he replied, “What does that mean?” and I realized I didn’t feel comfortable hooking up with someone if we couldn’t communicate. Not much ended up happening that night, but maybe it could have if I’d known how to navigate language barriers in the bedroom.

Discussing intimate details with someone new (or someone you’re close with, for that matter) can be awkward and uncomfortable without a language barrier, so having one can make expressing your wants and needs all the more challenging - and lead to the bad kind of sexual tension.

But what I wish I’d known before my failed snuggle attempt is that there are plenty of ways to effectively communicate your sexual desires and boundaries with someone who speaks a different language. Whether you’re traveling or getting busy in your home city, these expert tips can help you figure out how to overcome a language barrier in (or out of) bed, so no one’s enjoyment is lost in translation.

1. Enlist technical support.

One simple solution is to have your phone with you and either use a built-in app like Apple Translate or Google Translate, or download a third-party translation app like Say Hi (you speak into it and, yep, it translates your words into a specified language). You can also ask a home assistant device like Google Home or Amazon Echo to do the translation for you, Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sex expert for sex-toy shop Lovers and women’s studies instructor at Clayton State University, tells SELF. (“Alexa, translate French: Take off your shirt!”)

If you or your partner is deaf or hard of hearing, you can use the notes app on your phone or even a pen and paper to communicate, Bee Gehman, MEd, Deaf AASECT-certified sexuality educator and founder of Deaf sexual wellness center Jooux, tells SELF. “And if you can try sexting before having a sexual connection in person, you can learn more about what that person’s like, what they like, and what they don’t like beforehand, which can make the in-person experience more pleasurable,” she says.

2. Find creative ways to get and give enthusiastic consent.

Enthusiastic consent is the idea of everyone involved actively giving a clear yes to sex instead of relying on a lack of a no as a green light - and it can be harder to navigate when there’s a language barrier.

Depending on the specifics of your situation, you may have enough of a shared vocabulary - even if it’s mainly yes and no - to have the kind of mind-blowing, universally-consented-to experience you’ll look back on fondly for years to come. But if you don’t have enough language in common to make sure the sex you’re having is pleasurable and safe for everyone involved, you might need to get creative.

“If two people who don’t speak the same language want to get intimate, it’s important to rely heavily on non-verbal communication,” Justin Lehmiller, PhD, social psychologist at The Kinsey Institute and Astroglide’s resident sex researcher, tells SELF. “For example, when you can’t say ‘let’s use a condom,’ you might instead pull one out or place it in your partner’s hand.”

The thing to keep in mind here is that non-verbal communication such as body language can be different in different cultures. You might assume that head nodding and shaking are universal gestures for yes and no, Stewart says, but this doesn’t apply everywhere - in Bulgaria, for example, a nod means no.

That’s why, if it’s realistic based on your specific scenario, Stewart says it can be useful to establish your own personal “yes” and “no” signals or words (perhaps with the aid of the aforementioned translation technology) before you go to bed together. Gehman’s advice: Think about what words or signs you can both use to convey important concepts like “more,” “stop,” “okay,” or “does that feel good?” You might use gestures like pressing or stroking the other person’s arm, for example. Or you might not: This ideal-world advice may not make sense for you in the moment, but the point is to figure out what does work for communicating your enjoyment (or lack thereof) - whether that be sounds, movements, or even eye contact.

It’s also important to monitor your partner’s non-verbal communications, such as their facial expressions, body motions, and vocalizations, to make sure they’re enjoying themselves too. Dr. Lehmiller suggests paying attention to signals like if your partner is actively pulling you closer or drawing back. If they don’t seem fully into it in any way, you should immediately put everything on hold and check in, Gehman says.

And when it comes to hard boundaries - parts you definitely don’t want touched or activities you absolutely aren’t down for, for example - body language and non-verbal communication can of course be helpful too. That’s especially true if you don’t want to explicitly discuss your boundaries for any reason but still want to get the message across. But if you do want to talk about these boundaries, using a translation app or a written method may be your best move. They’re not necessarily the sexiest ways to express your needs - and again, might not make sense for your specific situation - but they’re probably the clearest, and a safe bet to ensure you feel totally comfortable.

3. Lay any necessary groundwork before sex begins.

It might get even trickier to use your words - or your translation app - once you’re naked together, so Stewart suggests trying to have your first conversation about your desires and expectations before you actually have sex. We know, that’s probably not gonna happen if you’re about to have a one-night (or two-night) stand with a sexy stranger while you’re traveling. Or maybe you just don’t feel comfortable having an intimate chat with someone you barely know over breakfast pastries. But if your relationship is slowly moving and/or you feel confident expressing your wants and needs outside the bedroom, a more casual conversation can be a good way to ensure things go more smoothly once the clothes come off. This isn’t about some outdated notion that it’s not okay to have sex with someone you haven’t known for “long enough” or if you don’t have a connection beyond the physical. It’s about getting on the same baseline page in a way that can make the whole experience better for both of you.

“If you talk about it ahead of time in a relaxed situation, using [translation technology] if necessary, you’re likely to get more information about where you both want the sexual situation to go,” Stewart says. “That way, when you finally get into bed, you’ll have a better understanding of what the other person wants and will be better able to accommodate them.”

If you’re imagining this conversation being stilted and awkward, know that there are ways to make it fun instead. During your chat, you can teach each other phrases that will be important to know once things get heated (as outlined above), which could turn into foreplay. “It can be a fun erotic game to discover, learn, and teach words and phrases that will assist you in a more fulfilling intimate connection,” Beth Wallace, Spain-based sexual wellness counselor, tells SELF. You could, for instance, point to (or even undress) different parts of your body or act out different things you’d like to do as you teach each other the words for them.

Similarly, on your own, Wallace recommends thinking through what you are and aren’t okay with in advance so that when the time comes to communicate it, you won’t have the added task (and pressure) of deciding what you really want. For example, maybe you’re a hard no for intercourse the first time you hook up, but you’re open to oral sex.

4. Rely on visual learning.

If you’re struggling to discuss in detail what you’d like to do sexually, consider using visuals, Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, social psychologist and certified sexuality counselor, tells SELF: “Visual components can often surpass language barriers, so finding something to watch with each other and agreeing to try something similar could be a fun way to communicate what you desire.” You might watch porn together, look at illustrated sex position articles, or share other erotic imagery, for example.

Dr. Nasserzadeh suggests bringing up the idea by saying (or translating) something like, “I was watching this scene that showed some pretty interesting positions that I thought would be fun to try. Want to watch together?” A playful comment like this can serve as an ice-breaker that might help make everyone involved feel a little more comfortable getting naked, she says.

You can also show your partner what you like by touching yourself in front of them, Angel Russell, certified sex educator, tells SELF: “Demonstrate what you like so they can see and then copy what you’re doing.” Or, to let them know what kind of stimulation you want, you can gently guide their hand where you want it to go, Dr. Lehmiller adds.

5. Feel free to take your time if you need or want to.

Things may naturally move quickly when you’re hot for someone new, but at the very least, get clear on each other’s consent and boundaries before things escalate sexually. “It’s much harder, sometimes impossible, to come back from a misunderstanding or a boundary-crossing incident than it is to negotiate it in advance,” Wallace says.

Once everyone’s needs and wants are clear, you may feel totally at ease going full speed ahead. In that case, go for it! But if you’re not yet completely comfortable with a new partner, Wallace recommends trying to pace yourselves once you’re in bed together too: Spend a while cuddling or kissing first, then move to touching genitals - you get the picture. “If we move slowly, then we’re far less likely to misunderstand, misconstrue, or cross someone else’s or our own boundaries,” Wallace says.

Misunderstandings and mishaps are bound to happen with a language barrier in the mix (no matter how many conversations you have or apps you download) and, hopefully, they’ll give you a good laugh. But being conscious about communicating the important stuff can help ensure everyone’s boundaries and preferences are understood and respected - which should make the experience even hotter.

Editor: Suzannah Weiss

Suzannah is a writer, sex educator, and sex/love coach whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and more.